Documenting my downfall

So I don't mind people reading this (obviously it's online). It's really just a way I've found helpful in keeping track of my moods & grounding myself.

This page is a mix of my own depressive & psychotic episodes, along with paintings I do when I can't find the words to describe the feelings.


16/11/2025:

It's Sunday now. I took last week off of work (except for Thursday).
Depression is hitting hard lately. It's been really difficult seperating reality from my dreams. Waking up is hard. Each morning feels like I'm waking up early from anaestheic & my body is fighting the need to wake. I just feel so mentally burnt out & my mental battery isn't recharging.
I've done quite a lot of painting & drawing & even remaking this site, all so I can physically see I'm making progress on SOMETHING at least. It is helping to a degree, though I feel lost & misplaced.
The thoughts of suicidal ideation remain at the forefront of my mind, but moreso in the sense of 'what am I achieving? What am I doing in life? Is there a way to live with purpose that isn't just a job?'
I haven't had a breakdown. I'm not sure what's keeping my head intact. Perhaps it's just the overall feeling of numbness.
I'm starting to wish I could find something to be swayed into believing in. I might find meaning if I believed in some delusion or religion, but I jsut don't see that happening any time soon. You can only live under the pretense that 'things will get better' for so long. You can't stay alive for the sake of others forever.
Some people simply aren't good at things & that's just life.
It'd be nice to be able to see things clearly one day.

12/11/2025:

This is the start of this new edition of my ramblings page. I threw this site together today while I'm at quite a functionable point in my mental.
I'm hoping that I can keep up with writing out my feelings & thought-processes here just as an additional grounding method for myself.
I haven't worked for 5 days so far & am feeling quite recharged, not fully but mostly, so I'm hoping I can aim until the end of year without a breakdown.