Documenting my downfall

I feel like this won't make sense to the same degree as I'm feeling it unless you struggle with gender or are trans. It's so difficult to find someone intimately who doesn't see me as female. I understand that the majority of sexual partners/ encounters will still see me as female, or just male-Lite Edition. I've been becoming FWB with a guy who identifies solely as gay. He has only ever been with cisgender men. Him seeing me as a man in an intimate setting is unbelievably affirming.
One weekend we went out, got drunk,then returned to my place at 5:00am. I passed out the second I hit my bed. He did not. I was in & out of consciousness as his hands & mouth explored my body & he took off my clothes. I remember groaning in irritation because all I wanted was to sleep. I don't remember the whole thing as I wasn't fully conscious at the time, but I remember trying to get him to stop & then not having the energy to do so. He finished in me.
I know I should stop any contact with him. I don't want to be around someone who doesn't respect my boundaries, but it's hard. It's so fucking difficult to find someone who sees me (intimately) as just another guy, not female. It's so affirming having encounters with a cisgender man who only sees cisgender men, & he still sees me as just another man regardless of being trans.
I feel as though no matter what I do I lose something. If I keep seeing him I lose respect for myself, that he can get away with assault & it's okay for him to do that. If I stop seeing him I lose the affirmation I desperately need that I am just a guy & I'm more than what I am biologically. It's so difficult knowing what to do.

I've been okay lately. No major overwhelming thoughts or bad hallucinations. The come-down is hitting though. The headaches that set in after those days-weeks of distress & mental anguish are always painful. Migraines have set in this time. The light is directly singeing my mind. My tolerance for people has dropped significantly. I'm going to try sleep it off or stay inn darkness until it become manageable.
I've also come to realise that killing myself is inevitable. I never expected to make it past 18, yet here I am almost a decade later, still alive, still struggling. I don't know when I'll die, but I know how. I think I've always known how. The mental struggle has been lifelong in one way or another. It really is the only way out. I feel no emotion towards the idea anymore. It's just the reality I've finally come to accept.

Things have been a struggle. I feel I am unable to convey the severity of my psychosis to doctors & my psychiatrist. I've been to hospital 4 times this past 2 weeks & had the cops called for a welfare check, leading to being detained & taken to the hospital again. I feel like I'm running out of options. The auditory hallucinations & the inability to discern what reality is or isn't is getting really bad. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. Everything doctors & professionals recommend. Things are getting worse for me. I can handle the anxiety & the suicidal ideation. I've learned to cope with that. I can't handle the psychosis. It's out of my control. It's outside of normal therapy limits. I can't use normal CBT or DBT therapy to cancel out the sounds & the reality slips. I've tried. I'm trying. I'm so tired.

It's Sunday now. I took last week off of work (except for Thursday).
Depression is hitting hard lately. It's been really difficult seperating reality from my dreams. Waking up is hard. Each morning feels like I'm waking up early from anaestheic & my body is fighting the need to wake. I just feel so mentally burnt out & my mental battery isn't recharging.
I've done quite a lot of painting & drawing & even remaking this site, all so I can physically see I'm making progress on SOMETHING at least. It is helping to a degree, though I feel lost & misplaced.
The thoughts of suicidal ideation remain at the forefront of my mind, but moreso in the sense of 'what am I achieving? What am I doing in life? Is there a way to live with purpose that isn't just a job?'
I haven't had a breakdown. I'm not sure what's keeping my head intact. Perhaps it's just the overall feeling of numbness.
I'm starting to wish I could find something to be swayed into believing in. I might find meaning if I believed in some delusion or religion, but I jsut don't see that happening any time soon. You can only live under the pretense that 'things will get better' for so long. You can't stay alive for the sake of others forever.
Some people simply aren't good at things & that's just life.
It'd be nice to be able to see things clearly one day.

This is the start of this new edition of my ramblings page. I threw this site together today while I'm at quite a functionable point in my mental.
I'm hoping that I can keep up with writing out my feelings & thought-processes here just as an additional grounding method for myself.
I haven't worked for 5 days so far & am feeling quite recharged, not fully but mostly, so I'm hoping I can aim until the end of year without a breakdown.