Documenting my downfall

I've been okay lately. No major overwhelming thoughts or bad hallucinations. The come-down is hitting though. The headaches that set in after those days-weeks of distress & mental anguish are always painful. Migraines have set in this time. The light is directly singeing my mind. My tolerance for people has dropped significantly. I'm going to try sleep it off or stay inn darkness until it become manageable.
I've also come to realise that killing myself is inevitable. I never expected to make it past 18, yet here I am almost a decade later, still alive, still struggling. I don't know when I'll die, but I know how. I think I've always known how. The mental struggle has been lifelong in one way or another. It really is the only way out. I feel no emotion towards the idea anymore. It's just the reality I've finally come to accept.

Things have been a struggle. I feel I am unable to convey the severity of my psychosis to doctors & my psychiatrist. I've been to hospital 4 times this past 2 weeks & had the cops called for a welfare check, leading to being detained & taken to the hospital again. I feel like I'm running out of options. The auditory hallucinations & the inability to discern what reality is or isn't is getting really bad. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. Everything doctors & professionals recommend. Things are getting worse for me. I can handle the anxiety & the suicidal ideation. I've learned to cope with that. I can't handle the psychosis. It's out of my control. It's outside of normal therapy limits. I can't use normal CBT or DBT therapy to cancel out the sounds & the reality slips. I've tried. I'm trying. I'm so tired.

It's Sunday now. I took last week off of work (except for Thursday).
Depression is hitting hard lately. It's been really difficult seperating reality from my dreams. Waking up is hard. Each morning feels like I'm waking up early from anaestheic & my body is fighting the need to wake. I just feel so mentally burnt out & my mental battery isn't recharging.
I've done quite a lot of painting & drawing & even remaking this site, all so I can physically see I'm making progress on SOMETHING at least. It is helping to a degree, though I feel lost & misplaced.
The thoughts of suicidal ideation remain at the forefront of my mind, but moreso in the sense of 'what am I achieving? What am I doing in life? Is there a way to live with purpose that isn't just a job?'
I haven't had a breakdown. I'm not sure what's keeping my head intact. Perhaps it's just the overall feeling of numbness.
I'm starting to wish I could find something to be swayed into believing in. I might find meaning if I believed in some delusion or religion, but I jsut don't see that happening any time soon. You can only live under the pretense that 'things will get better' for so long. You can't stay alive for the sake of others forever.
Some people simply aren't good at things & that's just life.
It'd be nice to be able to see things clearly one day.

This is the start of this new edition of my ramblings page. I threw this site together today while I'm at quite a functionable point in my mental.
I'm hoping that I can keep up with writing out my feelings & thought-processes here just as an additional grounding method for myself.
I haven't worked for 5 days so far & am feeling quite recharged, not fully but mostly, so I'm hoping I can aim until the end of year without a breakdown.